Have you ever questioned you? I mean the essence of you, yourself? For example, why am I an emotional, overly excitable person while Sally Sue or Joe Blow is a calm, collected, in control, in charge type person. Oh, I can be that person at times, but the essence of me, the real me tends to get nervous if something goes wrong. The me that responds to misunderstandings about my intentions or my performance is easily excitable, defensive, emotional.
With that understanding of how I respond comes some self-loathing. Self-loathing in the sense that I wish I could act like someone else. Self-loathing in the fact that I wish people would not perceive me as anxious or overwrought and often accompanied with a "Calm down, Mrs. Dean."
Many times my anxiousness comes from truly caring. Like the time a child from our kindergarten class accidentally left the school grounds at dismissal without waiting for his mom (she was late). He simply followed a group of children out the gate and ended up blocks away. Alone. With no idea of where he lived. Back at school, I was falling apart. I felt the weight of the responsibility for his whereabouts. Although it was not my fault, he had been at the place he was supposed to be, he just decided to find mom or find his way home when she didn't show.
God miraculously intervened (I'll save that for another post), but the image of my tear stained face, my worry and fear is what people saw. And that is how I feel I am remembered. Not as a woman of faith because frankly I wasn't at the moment, although God heard mine and others prayers. The little fellow was found in a most wonderful way, but why couldn't I have been the calm, collected one who knew it would all turn out OK?
I've had lots of opportunities at school to reinforce that opinion of me as one who falls apart or flies to her own defense before thinking things through. Yesterday was one of those "opportunities." And after a long day, I finally had my ultimate meltdown with a crying spell in my car on the phone with my understanding hubby after having spent well over an hour grocery shopping only to have to reload the buggy because my wallet was missing. I panicked more at the prospect of not knowing where my wallet was than the fact that I had to put my items back in the buggy and leave without them. (The checkout girl was so helpful!)
Herb found my wallet at home and brought it to me so I could at least buy groceries for supper.
But I went into the grocery store with a tear stained face, black with mascara smudges. I wish I were not that person. I want to be a godly woman who trusts God to be in control and to fill me with self-control.
I am not really sure how to end this post. I am aware that few people read it (I'm so sporadic at writing it), but those who do may feel great pity for this "emotional wreck." I realize too a lot of this is pride about how others perceive me and in that I guess I need to "get over it." But I basically have a need to come to grips with who I am, whose I am and with whom God has made me to be. To let Him take all of my out-of-control emotions and handle them while being convinced that He made me that way, someone who has a tender heart. Someone who can cry easily over a lost child or a hurricane victim or a sappy movie. And not be ashamed in the me He has created.
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